The death of a baby is one of the most painful things that can happen to a family. It’s so difficult to understand and everyone involved handles it differently.
Regardless of what happened, you are very likely overwhelmed by your feelings of loss, intense pain and loneliness.
It's not uncommon for you and/or your partner to experience the following:
- Feel sad or depressed
- Become angry with yourself, your partner or with other people
- Get sick easily with intense headaches, colds or stomach aches
- Forget things or have difficulty concentrating
- Feel guilty about things that happened in your pregnancy or after your baby was born
When your baby dies, the dreams of holding your baby and watching him grow are gone. So much of what you wanted and planned for are lost. This leaves a large, empty space inside of you. It takes time to heal this empty space, and many would say, it never really goes away.
While you will forever be changed by your baby’s death, you can move through your grief to healing. As time passes, your pain eases. You will make a place in your heart and mind for the memories of your baby. Over time, you can find peace and become ready to think about the future. Just remember - there is no correct amount of time to grieve. It takes as long as it takes for you.
Do Men and Women Grieve Differently?
Everyone grieves in their own way. Even if you and your partner agree on many things, you may feel or show your grief over the death of your baby differently. Different ways of dealing with grief may cause problems for parents. For example, a woman may think her partner is not as upset about the baby’s death as she is. She may think her partner doesn’t care which may cause anger and resentment.
On the other hand, a man may feel his partner is too emotional. He may not want to hear about her feelings all of the time. He may think she’ll never get over her grief. And, he may feel left out of all the support his partner is receiving. Friends and family may ask him, “How’s your wife doing?” and forget to ask how he is doing.
Some things to remember as you and your partner grieve include:
- Know that you both are in a great deal of pain.
- Understand you may show your pain and feelings in different way. That’s OK. Be patient and caring with each other.
- Try to keep talking about your thoughts and feelings. Don’t shut the other out.
- When you get to where you can talk about it, have conversations about how you want to remember your baby.
Dealing with Your Grief
It’s important for you and your partner to take good care of yourselves as you grieve. You'll need to take care of your body and your relationship to help heal your heart.
Taking Care of Your Mind and Body
- Get some physical activity every day. Even if it's a short walk through the neighborhood, exercise helps clear the mind and works to improve mood.
- Try to stick to your regular schedule. Get up and go to bed at your usual times.
- Eat healthy foods such as fruits and vegetables, whole grain breads and pastas, and low-fat chicken and meat. Avoid junk food, fast food and too many sweets.
- Limit alcohol and caffeine.
- Remember that a woman’s body needs time to return to normal following pregnancy. Depending on when she lost her baby, she will experience bleeding and her breast milk may come in. She'll also have the weight gained while pregnant - weight that doesn't just disappear when the baby dies. If you are struggling with these, or any other symptoms, please talk to your healthcare provider.
Sharing Your Feelings
- Talk about your baby and your feelings with your partner, family and friends. You may find that some people will "disappear" during this time. Mostly, they simply don't know what to say or how to handle the situation. Don't feel like their silence should keep you from talking about what is important to you.
- Talk with your healthcare provider. Ask him/her to help you find a grief counselor. This is a person with special training to help people deal with grief. Sometimes it is helpful to talk to someone other than family and friends.
- Reach out to your religious or spiritual leader. Your spiritual beliefs may be a comfort during this time. Go to your place of worship - even your funeral home may offer support services for grieving families.
- Consider having a memorial service to remember your baby.
- Join a support group. Ask your provider to help you find a support group of other parents who have lost a baby. Parents going through the same thing help you know you are not alone.
Clearing Your Head
Between hormones surging and the emptiness felt from loosing a baby, it can be difficult to "get out of your head." The following tips can help clear a grieving mom's (and dad's) mind and help you work to get back on track.
- Read books and poems or listen to music that you find comforting.
- Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
- Create an album or a memory box for keepsakes of your baby which may include items such as photos, hospital bracelet or a blanket.
Ask For Help
This may be harder for some of us, but it's an important and helpful step. Tell friends and family exactly what they can do for you whether it is help with childcare, making phone calls, cooking, cleaning or simply being available to spend time with you.
Once the hospital bills start coming in, it can be overwhelming to sort through everything. Close friends and family can help you sift through the details. The hospital social worker can also help with any questions you may have. He or she can also guide you to help with medical, insurance and funeral bills as needed.
Be sure to ask your provider for help if you think you are depressed. Symptoms of depression include:
- Having little interest in your usual activities or hobbies
- Feeling tired all of the time
- Having trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Experiencing trouble with concentrating or making decisions
- Thinking about suicide or death
Remember, you and your partner have been through a lot. It's not uncommon to struggle with depression after the loss of a child. Your healthcare provider can assess your symptoms and recommend a course of action. No one wants to walk through this fog forever - reaching out for help can be key to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Moving Forward
You and/or your partner may feel like making big changes to shake things up and take your minds off reality. However, it's important to take time before making any big life changes. Leave the nursery as it is for now. If it hurts to see it everyday, close the door. Leave the items where they are until you feel ready to put them away.
Try not to make big changes in your life — like moving to a new home or taking a new job — immediately following the loss of your baby. Wait a few months before you take steps like this. Give yourself time to heal before taking on more stress.
Additional Grief Services Through Saint Francis
Laureate, a part of Saint Francis Health System, offers outpatient therapy and counseling. If you or a loved one would like to talk with a mental health professional, please call the Laureate Outpatient Clinic at 918-491-3700 to schedule an appointment.